Welcome our Rainbow Baby

It feels like it has been a decade since I have written even though it has only been a couple of months. In the last two months I have discovered the insane amount of strength and courage that it takes to bring a little life into the world. I have felt the intense fear of delivering a baby that isn’t breathing and the crippling relief when you finally hear him cry.

I have felt the frustration of not being able to hold your newborn because he must stay under the blue lights for jaundice treatment-but that frustration was mixed with joy because I knew how lucky I was. A mild case of jaundice was all that prevented us from getting to go home with him. That was all.

On December 25th we got to take him home. Since his birthday on December 21st I have felt more feelings at once than I ever believed possible. Somewhere in between the sleep deprivation, the pants that will never fit again, and the permanent stretchmarks now marring my torso lies a joy that will not dim.

Even as my heart pangs to watch him grow (he no longer fits into his newborn clothes) an inner smile covers my heart. After five losses I finally have a baby that I can cuddle in my arms instead of just my heart.


Familiar Strangers

I bite my tongue
You chew your nails.
You bow your head

Defeat and silence falls
like a curtain on our lives

We are familiar strangers
You and I
I pour coffee
You read the news

Passing ships
Our eyes barely meet

You reach for a kiss
I grab it away
You leave for work
I wish you would stay

I’m not the person I was before
Before I knew your secrets
Secrets that destroyed my faith
Cut my heart out

Sew shut my eyes
Freeze over my heart
I’ll wall myself up
Hide away
Burn a hole in yesterday

Familiar strangers
I hold myself to hold it all together
Hold myself the way you should have held me