Welcome our Rainbow Baby

It feels like it has been a decade since I have written even though it has only been a couple of months. In the last two months I have discovered the insane amount of strength and courage that it takes to bring a little life into the world. I have felt the intense fear of delivering a baby that isn’t breathing and the crippling relief when you finally hear him cry.

I have felt the frustration of not being able to hold your newborn because he must stay under the blue lights for jaundice treatment-but that frustration was mixed with joy because I knew how lucky I was. A mild case of jaundice was all that prevented us from getting to go home with him. That was all.

On December 25th we got to take him home. Since his birthday on December 21st I have felt more feelings at once than I ever believed possible. Somewhere in between the sleep deprivation, the pants that will never fit again, and the permanent stretchmarks now marring my torso lies a joy that will not dim.

Even as my heart pangs to watch him grow (he no longer fits into his newborn clothes) an inner smile covers my heart. After five losses I finally have a baby that I can cuddle in my arms instead of just my heart.


“I know how you feel”

I am nearly 38 weeks pregnant. My husband has some sort of stomach flu. He said to me, in nonchalant solidarity, “I can’t believe you felt like this for months and maintained any shred of sanity.”

The truth? I didn’t.
Yes, I wasn’t able to keep anything more than a handful of crackers down for my entire first trimester-sometimes not even that. I lost seven pounds. However, I did not feel how my husband felt.

It was more than barfing every hour or so. There was round ligament pain from an expanding womb. There were dizzy spells, headaches, and fainting coupled with the emotional roller coaster of a body that didn’t know what to do with all the extra hormones.

What’s more, every twitch of pain I felt, convinced me that something was terribly wrong. I had lost too many pregnancies in the past, and I was overcome with a profound sense of fear. I wept for the disaster that I waited for with certainty.

No- I didn’t feel how he felt now. He’s nauseous and a little uncomfortable, but he is able to sleep. His mind is not racing a million laps filled with self doubt and worry. He is not laying in bed wondering if he’s doing everything exactly right to protect a life that he cannot see or feel yet.

No…the stomach flu is not quite the same. If you’re a mom, you know.

Familiar Strangers

I bite my tongue
You chew your nails.
You bow your head

Defeat and silence falls
like a curtain on our lives

We are familiar strangers
You and I
I pour coffee
You read the news

Passing ships
Our eyes barely meet

You reach for a kiss
I grab it away
You leave for work
I wish you would stay

I’m not the person I was before
Before I knew your secrets
Secrets that destroyed my faith
Cut my heart out

Sew shut my eyes
Freeze over my heart
I’ll wall myself up
Hide away
Burn a hole in yesterday

Familiar strangers
I hold myself to hold it all together
Hold myself the way you should have held me

Blogging Stage Fright?

Dear Blogger Afraid to Blog,

You are not alone.

You may have noticed, (since you are reading this) I have a blog. This blog has been around since July and yet is very sparse isn’t it? I have been grinding my teeth and sighing at this page for what feels like eons! A post here…procrastination…MORE procrastination…procrastination…post there. It’s an evil cycle that I cannot seem to break out of. Why? What if no one reads it? Or worse…what if someone does?? Am I witty enough? Do I have enough to share, to contribute to the daily lives of others, enough that it is actually worth taking a precious few moments of time to sit and read the drivel that comes flying across this keyboard???

Perhaps and also perhaps not. Do you want to know something? That is okay! Why? Because what we have here in the magical blogosphere is a community of people passionate enough to write about the things that they love. I find that even if I am not personally into scuba diving, it is the passion of those bloggers who are, that lead me to devour the words that they write. I may not give two hoots about learning more about photography, but I find, that if there is enough passion behind a blogger explaining his or her different lenses etc. it is enough for me to take my time to share in their passion for a little while.

The passion that you share with me as a blogger fuels my own passion for my own creativity. It makes me think that like you-I want to leave a creative and passionate mark on the world. So…you may not care that much about my love affair with tea. It may not be of great interest to you which chickens lay the best eggs (in my humble opinion). However, through our passions, through our hobbies, through our creativity we create a community that shares thoughts and ideas. We spread feelings and encouragement in each of our posts.

If you are reading this and you find that you have thought some or all of the thoughts that I have harbored about blogging, if you are suffering from blogging stage fright- write it out. Let it flow. Get rid of it however you can. Why? Because the world needs your passion. The world needs more people who care enough about life to share it in words and pictures. We need you…I need you.