Welcome our Rainbow Baby

It feels like it has been a decade since I have written even though it has only been a couple of months. In the last two months I have discovered the insane amount of strength and courage that it takes to bring a little life into the world. I have felt the intense fear of delivering a baby that isn’t breathing and the crippling relief when you finally hear him cry.

I have felt the frustration of not being able to hold your newborn because he must stay under the blue lights for jaundice treatment-but that frustration was mixed with joy because I knew how lucky I was. A mild case of jaundice was all that prevented us from getting to go home with him. That was all.

On December 25th we got to take him home. Since his birthday on December 21st I have felt more feelings at once than I ever believed possible. Somewhere in between the sleep deprivation, the pants that will never fit again, and the permanent stretchmarks now marring my torso lies a joy that will not dim.

Even as my heart pangs to watch him grow (he no longer fits into his newborn clothes) an inner smile covers my heart. After five losses I finally have a baby that I can cuddle in my arms instead of just my heart.

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“I know how you feel”

I am nearly 38 weeks pregnant. My husband has some sort of stomach flu. He said to me, in nonchalant solidarity, “I can’t believe you felt like this for months and maintained any shred of sanity.”

The truth? I didn’t.
Yes, I wasn’t able to keep anything more than a handful of crackers down for my entire first trimester-sometimes not even that. I lost seven pounds. However, I did not feel how my husband felt.

It was more than barfing every hour or so. There was round ligament pain from an expanding womb. There were dizzy spells, headaches, and fainting coupled with the emotional roller coaster of a body that didn’t know what to do with all the extra hormones.

What’s more, every twitch of pain I felt, convinced me that something was terribly wrong. I had lost too many pregnancies in the past, and I was overcome with a profound sense of fear. I wept for the disaster that I waited for with certainty.

No- I didn’t feel how he felt now. He’s nauseous and a little uncomfortable, but he is able to sleep. His mind is not racing a million laps filled with self doubt and worry. He is not laying in bed wondering if he’s doing everything exactly right to protect a life that he cannot see or feel yet.

No…the stomach flu is not quite the same. If you’re a mom, you know.

Waiting for Baby

Dear Baby,

I can hardly contain myself! I am 32 weeks pregnant and it feels like one giant night before Christmas. The closer it gets to our due date, the further away it seems! I am anxious and giddy all at the same time!

Everything has been set up and all I have left to do is wait and attend the classes that I signed your daddy and I up for. I thought that waiting til we were 18 weeks to find out whether you were going to be a boy or a girl was hard, but waiting to meet our you is driving me batty!

I really do mean batty. My dreams have gotten so strange and they always revolve around the birth. Most of the time they’re pretty creepy! I guess my brain is just trying to keep up with me, but just once I would like to have a dream that doesn’t involve giving birth to zombie triplets!

Christmas cannot get here soon enough! In the mean time, the cats have enjoyed testing out all of your stuff! Henry Cat particularly enjoys your stroller, so I suppose we got a good one! I have been practicing putting on the Boba Wrap that we bought. It turns out wrap carriers require a bit of a learning curve, but we think that you will like it.

Love,

Mom